Purity Culture, Weddings, and the Weight of Belonging: Reflections After Being Quoted in The New York Times
A close-up of a bride’s flowing wedding dress in soft blush and ivory tones, symbolizing purity culture and the pressure to appear “pure” or worthy. The title of the New York Times article, How Purity Culture Still Haunts the Bridal Aisle, by Gina Ryder, is laid over the photo. Bridal photo by Erin McCall.
When I saw my name printed in The New York Times— How Purity Culture Still Haunts the Bridal Aisle, by Gina Ryder, it felt surreal; not because of the publication itself, but because it meant that conversations about purity culture, shame, and belonging were being seen and taken seriously on such a public stage.
The article explored how the lingering messages of purity culture and the patriarchy still shape the choices many women make around weddings and identity; how even something as seemingly simple as the color of a dress can carry unspoken expectations about goodness, worth, and belonging. For those of us who grew up within high-control faith systems, that message runs deep: if I appear pure, I remain safe. If I’m seen as impure, I risk exile.
The Invisible Weight of Belonging
Purity culture was never just about sex. It was about survival within a system that equated conformity with love and acceptance.
Many of my clients who were raised in high-control religious environments describe the same underlying current— the constant awareness of what it takes to “belong.” In those spaces, belonging often comes at the cost of authenticity. You learn early on that to be loved, you must be good, and to be good, you must be pure, not only in your actions, but in your thoughts, your desires, your body language, even your imagination.
Those lessons don’t disappear when someone leaves the faith. They live quietly in the body, influencing decisions about how to present oneself, what’s considered acceptable, and what’s worthy of celebration.
Being Interviewed and What It Stirred in Me
When journalist, Gina Ryder, reached out, I paused before saying yes. I wanted to make sure that my words would honor the people I work with; those who’ve carried shame, confusion, and loss after leaving faith communities that taught them their worth was conditional.
The interview itself reminded me how much bravery it takes to put language to experiences that have, for so long, existed in silence. There was a tenderness in being asked to represent this work; to give voice to something that has shaped so many lives, yet remains so misunderstood.
Seeing my quote in print— “By the wedding day, the dress becomes an insurance policy against gossip or even eternal damnation…”— made me pause. It wasn’t about me or my story. It was about the countless people who have been taught that their belonging depends on performance, on keeping up appearances of purity.
The Stories Beneath the Surface
In therapy, I often hear the quiet echoes of this conditioning:
I have to earn love.
If I disappoint them, I’ll lose everything.
I need to prove I’m good enough to belong.
Purity culture taught many people to equate visibility with vulnerability, and vulnerability with danger. Healing means learning to be seen without fear.
Narrative and somatic therapy offer a space to name these patterns with compassion. Through story work, clients begin to notice where they internalized messages of shame and how those messages live in their bodies. Healing isn’t about rejecting everything from the past; it’s about reclaiming authorship; finding the courage to tell your own story in your own words.
Why This Moment Matters
Seeing this topic in The New York Times felt significant, not because my words appeared there, but because these stories did.
The experiences of those harmed by purity culture and spiritual abuse deserve to be witnessed. Every time these stories are told, something begins to shift: a little less shame, a little more freedom.
For every person who has wrestled with questions of worth, desire, or belonging, please know: your story matters. Your healing matters. And you don’t have to perform purity to deserve love.
If This Resonates
If you’re beginning to unpack the ways purity culture, religious trauma, or spiritual abuse have shaped your life, you’re not alone. I invite you to learn more about this work, explore therapy and intensive options for healing from high-control faith systems.