Was It Spiritual Abuse? How to Recognize Religious Trauma and Begin to Heal
You might not be sure what to call it, or how to name what happened. You may have walked away from a church, a spiritual leader, a faith system, or an entire way of life, and still find yourself asking: Was it really that bad? Was it spiritual abuse?
This question is incredibly common. And it’s also incredibly complicated.
What is spiritual abuse, anyway? Spiritual abuse is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that uses religious language, structures, or authority to manipulate, control, shame, or harm someone.
I’ve sat with people who still flinch when they hear certain Bible verses or hymns. I’ve watched clients instinctively hold their breath as they remember being told they were sinful or deceived just for asking questions. The wounds are often invisible, but they run deep, and they’re valid.
Letting yourself be curious and explore the possibility of spiritual abuse can be complex, especially if you were taught that asking questions was rebellion, or a sign of lack of belief. That suffering was part of holiness. That being hurt by spiritual leaders meant you were being tested, or worse— unfaithful.
This post is here to name the harm that so often goes unseen. Whether you come from an evangelical church, Mormonism, a high-control group, or a system that marginalized who you are— you deserve to understand what happened and what healing can look like.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse happens when someone uses faith, God, scripture, leadership, or spiritual authority to manipulate, shame, control, silence, or harm another person. It often includes fear-based teachings, coercive behavior, and punishment for dissent.
Spiritual abuse can happen:
In churches or ministries
In families or marriages
In schools, missions, or religious universities
In cults and high-demand groups
In quiet one-on-one conversations where you were told “God wants you to submit”
You may not have recognized it at the time. You may still wonder if you're being dramatic.
You're not.
You Might Relate If...
Spiritual abuse and religious trauma don’t always leave obvious bruises. But they can still show up in the body, in your thoughts, in your relationships. You might relate if you:
Were told questioning leadership meant disobedience or rebellion
Felt responsible for someone else's purity, salvation, or self-control
Were taught to distrust your own thoughts, emotions, or body
Experienced anxiety, panic, or shame around “backsliding” or leaving
Were pressured into staying silent “for the good of your witness”
Still flinch when someone uses religious language, even kindly
These patterns don’t always scream “abuse” at first glance. In fact, they’re often cloaked in spiritual language that sounds faithful, even loving, until you start to notice how much of yourself you’ve lost in the process. I’ve witnessed clients come to this list with tears in their eyes, realizing for the first time they aren’t alone. If you’ve felt any of this: you, too, are not alone.
What Is Religious Trauma?
Religious trauma is the ongoing emotional, psychological, physical, or spiritual distress caused by high-control, shaming, or abusive spiritual systems. It’s the result of being raised in, or heavily involved with, a belief system that used fear and control to shape your identity.
It often looks like:
Chronic guilt or fear, even years after leaving
Hypervigilance, especially around morality or spiritual language
Identity confusion, particularly if you’ve been told who you should be for years
Body disconnect, especially if your body was framed as sinful, dangerous, or “not yours”
Difficulty trusting yourself, others, or institutions
Who Does This Affect?
Many of the people I work with are exvangelicals, ex-Mormons, or survivors of cultic groups. Some have deconstructed entirely. Others still hold some form of faith. Many were deeply involved in purity culture or taught to submit without question.
Some of the most impacted groups include:
BIPOC and Indigenous people
LGBTQIA+ and gender-expansive folks
Women and femme-presenting people
Neurodivergent and differently abled folks
People raised in missions, fundamentalist homes, or high-control education settings
And yet:
Even if you don’t see yourself named in that list, you are welcome here. You are believed. This work includes you.
Why It’s Not Just “Church Hurt”
Sometimes we’re told that what we experienced was just “church hurt.” But here’s the thing: “Church hurt” is often used to minimize deep spiritual abuse.
It is language that sometimes comes from those in power— those who would rather you believe this is about your sensitivity than about their misuse of spiritual authority.
It can be tempting to adopt that language yourself. To explain away the harm. To stay silent.
But naming the truth isn’t slander. It’s survival. It’s how healing begins.
Why It's So Hard to Walk Away
Many high-control groups (including religious systems) use indoctrination to bind people through fear, shame, and psychological pressure. They often claim:
They alone hold “truth”
Dissent equals damnation
Your body or identity is a threat
Your value comes from submission or suffering
Leaving equals failure, betrayal, or abandonment of God
This creates cognitive dissonance— the painful, internal conflict between what you were taught and what your body or intuition is screaming.
Many people stay not because they’re naive, but because they’ve been conditioned to believe they’re safer in harm than outside of it.
What Healing Can Look Like
Healing doesn’t require returning to faith, or leaving it. It requires safety. It requires being seen. It requires space to tell the truth of your story.
In my work as a therapist, I’ve seen healing begin in the quietest moments, when someone finally says what they were never allowed to say out loud. When their nervous system gets to stop bracing. When they realize that what happened to them really wasn’t their fault.
Realizing you were spiritually abused can feel like a betrayal of everything you were taught to trust. I know that moment well, from my own life and from sitting with others in theirs. It’s not just grief; it’s a total reorientation. And yet, again and again, I’ve seen people come through it. Not just surviving, but finding their voice, their boundaries, their wonder.
Healing might include:
Rebuilding trust in yourself and your body
Releasing shame that was never yours to carry
Grieving what was lost, stolen, or suppressed
Reconnecting with your own sense of meaning, purpose, or belief
Learning how to feel safe in your own skin again
You Deserve to Tell the Truth of What Happened
If you’ve been holding questions like Was it spiritual abuse? or Why do I still feel so afraid, even years after leaving? this post is here to tell you:
You’re not imagining it.
It wasn’t just “church hurt.”
It was real. And it’s worth healing.
You deserve support that doesn’t rush or shame you.
You deserve to grieve.
You deserve to feel safe.
You deserve to reclaim the story of who you are.
If reading this stirred something in you— grief, anger, clarity, confusion— you are not alone. These realizations often come in quiet waves, and they can feel disorienting or even disloyal. But naming what happened to you isn’t a betrayal of your faith; it’s a return to the truth of your body and your story.
If you're beginning to ask hard questions and need someone who won’t flinch or minimize, I’d be honored to walk with you. This work matters, and you don’t have to do it alone.